In my practice, I love to assign homework. What we do together in play has such incredible power to reach deeper. Our lives are a quest for meaning. Those things we find erotic are the cave openings to our shadows, yes. But when consciously trod, they become the pathways to greater consciousness, self-mastery, and a sublime relationship with the divine.

I love to see one of my pups map out the psychological landscape of our dynamic, and to articulate the role that it plays in their lives. Oh gosh, we play, but in the spaces between, we frame that play with purpose.

The text below is from an exercise I conducted with a young client, a successful executive with a high-flying career. With their permission, I am sharing their raw expectations of me as their Domme, their personal aspirations for their own behaviour, and my editorial commentary on the mechanics of their surrender.

It is instructive for those who might be new to this, curious about me and my approach, but also for any student of psychology and the human condition. What turns us on is also the strongest motivating for us for self-transformation.

To serve me is to serve yourself.

Part I: Expectations of a Sub towards their Domme (In My pup’s Words)
“I expect my Domme to respect any lines I’ve drawn. I will not be forced to do anything I haven’t agreed to beforehand.

I do not like being called a slut or whore or bitch. It makes me feel bad because I’ve used those words to torture yourself for a very long time. ‘Little boy’ or anything of the like is fine.  I like being dominated, not treated like trash. I know some people like that, but I am not one of them.”

There is a fine balance here. I am very often asked, mainly by men, to use degrading language. To call them worthless. To make them do degrading things like to lick the bottom of my shoes clean. To call them names. There is a great deal of nuance required here, as I will not consciously shame a client, especially for aspects of identity. Cheap verbal abuse is both cheap and abusive. With one client who asked for this, I did the opposite. They wanted me to make racist comments and I politely declined, proceeding instead to tell them how beautiful they were. After hours of coddling and during our wind down, they said,

“wow, that was so different than any session I’ve ever had. You were so kind and gentle. I didn’t know it could be like that. I’ve never felt so submissive in my life.”

As Dommes we are given such privileged access. And perhaps there is a version for us of the Hippocratic Oath, to ‘do no harm’.

“Just because I am submissive in the bedroom doesn’t mean you will dominate me in real life. I’m actually very dominant in real life and I try hard to combat that and make our relationship an equal one. Me trusting you to dominate me in session is huge because I cannot stand people to run all over me in real life. And I will be very vocal if I think you’re trying to run over me.”

I love this and we have had many laughs over the intervening years about “I’m actually very dominant in real life.” What has changed for this person is that they have learned to move within the vanilla world with more subtlety. The art of being supple. I am very proud of this person for what this very small change in their personal style has enabled for them on a grand scale.

Men, in particular, are susceptible to this line of thinking. The seduction of the Alpha.  True?  Not likely, but the Alpha Paradox is a truth. High-achievers can crave submission in a controlled, boundaried environment, as an antidote to the pressure and expectations they live with every day. I see it too often to know that it is not an accident.

Submission for them becomes a sophisticated and much-needed release valve. As their Domme, I bring the guardrails, holding them with strength. Sometimes at the beginning, especially with clients new to power dynamics, there is an internal struggle about letting go. The power of intimacy and the erotic is that it is a key enabling force. When we are intimate with someone our trust levels shoot up, and our perceived risk goes down. That is the essence of trust, and trust is the foundation of a healthy D/s dynamic.

“Just like we talk about the things we want to do when having sex, with a partner, my Domme partner needs to talk to me if they have a problem with anything I do or something that is bothering them. I hate it when people keep it bottled up inside and if they want to talk about it then talk about it. I can’t read minds and I don’t take hints very well. Just say it already or wait until you gather your thoughts on it.”

The clear communication of expectations, clarity on boundaries, all these things make it possible to operate with empathy and understanding, and are critical if we want to move beyond a simple play time session in a dungeon.

Part II: The Aspirational Submissive (In My Pup’s Words)
Just as I want to know what my pups expect of me as their Domme, the conditions for trust which make our dynamic strong, I ask my charges to think deeply about how being intentional through submission can make them better people.

What should I expect of you? These are the traits that this person came up with:
• Enthusiastic co-operation
• Continuous improvement…that I become better so that my submission has ever-increasing value, to me, and to you
• Creative contribution…I am an active participant and need to co-create without ever seeking to direct
• Deep trust
• Long-lasting devotion…consistency
• Attention to detail…thinking independently—I have agency and need to use it
• Sincerity and honesty
• Authentic vulnerability…being articulate about my edges
• Receptive sexuality and a willingness to explore
• Skilful mood management
• Positive beliefs
• Rock solid on my own boundaries and speaking up when we stray into a danger zone; radical self-responsibility

This list came fairly early in our dynamic and impressed me. It showed a really high level of self-awareness, and a willingness to go deep. Indeed, it was the best indicator of what lay ahead, a profoundly deepening, regular, and long-term relationship.

What do I love most about it? This pup recognized that submission is not passive; it requires active psychological labour, responsible engagement. And while we have an intense, high-protocol, total control dynamic when we are “at play”, they are deeply respectful of my desires for them to maintain their autonomy outside of the scene:
• Ideas of their own; zero dependence
• A backbone; starting with agency and boundaries
• Hopes and dreams of their own and an ability to articulate them, and work towards them
• Having their own interests and life outside of our dynamic
• Having their own friends

The Domme receives intense, devotional energy. It can very easily slip into something toxic and co-dependent. A submissive with a backbone, a mind of their own, and total vigilance on their own agency is exactly the kind of client with whom I can have a safer, deeper, and profound D/s container. This is the ‘elite’ submissive.

And yes, give me a slave who can kneel before me in total submission and then go out and conquer the world, only to bring it back and lay it at my feet.

Sometimes people from the vanilla world focus on the kinks, the “perversions”. But these are never the point. What turns us on is highly individual, and it exists for a reason, coming from our life experience. My goal is to come to a mutual understanding of how fulfilling those desires, playing with them, mastering them, developing them, can also be a tool for deeper self-actualisation.

And yes, I am a highly competent whip mistress, strap daddy, puppy wrangler, mommy domme but that is never the point. The point is whether you are ready to show up for yourself.

Deepen Your Understanding
If you appreciated this exploration of power dynamics, you can read more of my commentary across platforms:

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I rejoice in sexuality and welcome people of different bodies, backgrounds, genders, sexualities, and life experiences. Some of my most beautiful encounters have been with those who have struggled to find intimacy elsewhere.

You are welcome to write to me with what you are seeking. You do not need to have the perfect words yet. Begin with what you know. I will take it from there.

Here is how to write to me

About Valentina Dellagravis
Valentina is a Milan and London-based sapphic companion, dominatrix, somatic practitioner, and erotic professional. Her work combines discretion, social fluency, sensual touch, power exchange, and intelligent companionship. She creates bespoke encounters for women, FLINTA clients, and select men seeking presence, care, surrender, structure, and erotic precision.

Aetas Deae
Aetas Deae is a women-centred project co-founded by Mx Valentina, dedicated to power, embodiment, intimacy, ritual, and erotic sovereignty. Its retreats, workshops, and private circles create space for women and FLINTA people to soften, play, explore desire, and encounter themselves beyond performance, duty, and apology.