I spend quite a lot of time thinking about sex and sexuality, but since it is my job, it kinda fits. I’ve been having some great conversations with a couple of men who I love profoundly, mostly about men and women, patriarchy, equality, matriarchy, misandry and misogyny, and being a dominatrix and more generally someone who has sex for money. I’m holding back on referring to myself as a whore for a bit longer, as I am not sure that I have yet earned that moniker. It is an aspiration.
Separately, a domme colleague tweeted that she loved men. Wonderful. But in the same breath she also stated that you cannot do our work, particularly as dommes, if you do not. I’m never one to cast shade, so I won’t, but as a someone who is profoundly misandrist and who gives nearly every man in her life a book to read called “I Hate Men”, we have something to straighten out.
If the only people you sleep with in your personal life are women, as a woman, are you a lesbian? If your attraction is almost exclusively towards women, are you a lesbian? What if every now and again a certain male body turns you on? What if you decide one day that you want to feel a man inside you even though you don’t make a habit of it, are you still a lesbian? What if you sleep with women your whole life but then marry a man, but still think of yourself as queer? What are you?
And what about in my work? Does seeing and playing with men mean I am inherently bi? Or does it not matter because it is work? What if I get turned on? Does that change anything?
Roughly half of the most important and loved people in my life are men. Even as someone who is an avowed lesbian who seeks out the company of women at every turn in life, cannot fail to interact with and be surrounded by men. And that is before we even consider what a patriarchal system does to us.
Men are unavoidable.
When a client comes to me, their sex does matter, but less to me than their gender. Whether I am attracted to a client or not makes not one bit of difference. And that’s really important, and something which I find most male clients or potential clients simply don’t understand. I honestly don’t care if a client is young or old, fat or thin, ugly or pretty, what their skin colour is. What do I care about? If they are clean, respectful, and come to me with a genuine sense of curiosity and openness. Not necessarily to me, but to themselves.
Male and female clients are so often looking for something different, and I am going to explore that right now, because it is a beautiful topic on its own. What I wish to explore is simply, how it is possible to be a misandrist and to still love a man, to work with a man, and to have genuine compassion for him.
First off, misandry is a general statement. It is about a “collective” of men. It is possible to hate the collective and still love individuals. The collective is socialisation. Men in groups. Patriarchy is a system. Socialisation is a system.
As a misandrist I do not shun men. I do not hate the individual man. I do, however, hate how men are socialised. And with men I love, and men I session with, I do have a goal to move them away from a blind acceptance of this system we live in, into one that is lived with open eyes.
And this goes for women too. We must question.
So much of the sexuality of the men I come across is a byproduct of a toxic system of socialisation and expectation of gender roles. It leads to some very unhealthy outcomes. There is no kink-shaming in my world. What there is, is a genuine desire to explore and to help understand. Therapists can only go so far. I am not a therapist in the classic sense, but I don’t know many dommes who don’t find our work with many parallels to therapy. I am, however, a somatic therapist, which means that I work on how the body stores and responds to stress. This is very relevant.
Women also have a stress response to our social system. And I love to work with this too.
Some clients want to have fun. Others want to explore things, to be touched and held in certain ways. Some are spiritual. What is magic in all of this is that these erotic energies have the power to crack us open. And society gets hung up on the sensational aspects: so and so likes to be peed on, or they are into pain, or they want to be treated like babies or puppies, or they wish to be degraded.
But these kinks are a distraction. They are the ways that we access deeper feelings. They are portals. Some clients wish to stand on the threshold and open and close the same door for a lifetime. And while I am okay with that, I do wish to take them through it and help them find the next door, and the next, and so on, until they achieve a sense of enlightenment and mastery.
In my work, it is this very journey that fosters feelings from me towards a client. And yes, I do love my clients. Sure, if I see you once, that won’t be my feeling, but as we accumulate experiences together, it is inevitable that true intimacy develops. It is not the same as conjugal love, and that is a risk we all navigate in this profession.
But the nature of this love is something which I find runs more classically in women. I associate it with the Divine Feminine. When I think of the ultimate expression of the feminine it is a quality of Mercy. And more than sexual desire, or lust, what draws a man to a woman, or a woman to a woman, is this desire to feel her envelop you, to forgive you, to see you, to wash away your sin. Lust and love are simply sex-based energies which bring us to a doorway. But it is a profound human need.
As a Sex Witch, my role is to equip my clients with the courage to open the door, to step through it, to accept it, to warm to it, and to no longer be ashamed of it. And I don’t care one bit if what that door is represents some obscure fetish or another, and indeed, that is why you come to me. Because you can’t be seen that way by anyone else.
I think of the women who come to me ultimately to just be held. Theirs is a trauma response. Very often, the ones who come to me out of curiosity and a desire to explore, have this same underlying need, only it is dressed up differently.
It is the same for men, even if it is more overtly sexual or socially unacceptable.
What does all this mean?
The ingredients of a successful working relationship with someone like me are: respect, good hygiene (a form of respect) and vulnerability. These factors mean you are not just willing to go on the journey but have come to me with intent.
And as a provider, these factors are what begets Mercy in me…this quality of the Divine Feminine that you come to me for in the first place. To see you. To accept you. To tell you it is all right. To normalise your feelings. To help you surface them. To let go of shame. Whether you are a woman or a man.
As a misandrist, my work as a domme must go deeper. I must help a man see the collective as apart from the individual. I must do the same for a woman. To reconcile our sexual existences and our genders within a social framework which is not healthy. And to see that quality in each of us that makes us worthy of love.
Yes, I will wear rubber or leather or whatever if that is a part of what it means to gain access and to open the door. The clothes of the dominatrix are totems. Mnemonic devices which trigger a Pavlovian response in our charges…and that is the first step to get you across the threshold.
So yes, come to me, and let us find together what it is about you that is so worthy of love.
An Invitation
If you are here, something in you has already responded.
This is not casual booking, and it is not for everyone. I work with people who are curious, intelligent, and willing to take responsibility for what they want.
Those who wish to work with me do not request. They present themselves.
Begin here.
About Me
Mx Valentina is a feminist dominatrix, a trans and intersex woman, whose practice centres on ethical power exchange and the conditions under which lives reorganise themselves around purpose rather than shame. Her work is selective and relational, grounded in the belief that submission is not a role to be played but an orientation that must already be present. She works only with those who understand that access is conditional and authority is not negotiated. You can find my scholarly feminist writing on Substack and lighter pieces on Medium.
