A real account of trust, safety, and embodied authority in female-led work
One of my first ever paying clients was a woman who reached out to me on a dating app. I had barely used dating apps up until that point, so the whole thing felt novel.
My bio, however, was unambiguous. I wasn’t looking for friends or dates, but clients. She noted that she understood this, and we arranged to meet for coffee.
I like this way of beginning. I’m old-school in the sense that I prefer to take the measure of someone before committing to play. I used to do the same when I was a client myself—meeting for a meal at least once before anything else. It establishes tone, boundaries, and trust.
She was a little nervous, so meeting in public helped break the ice. She wore a backpack and spotted me instantly.
She told me about herself.
“I’m married,” she said, “but I’m kinky, and my husband isn’t.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes. Very much. He just won’t spank me—or do any kind of corporal punishment.”
“Is that what brought you to me?”
“Well, yes. Are you experienced?”
“Yes,” I said. “I’ve been doing this a long time. I should also say that I’ve been a sub, and sometimes a switch, in my personal life. I’ve received plenty of impact myself.”
“That’s good to know.”
“I won’t do something to someone that hasn’t been done to me. That includes everything from hands, to hairbrushes, belts, floggers, canes—many forms of impact.”
She shifted slightly in her chair.
“I like that.”
“Yes,” I said. “I can see that.”
“You feel safe,” she said.
“Tell me more.”
“I don’t know. Your energy. You feel calm. Mothering.”
“Thank you.”
“And my husband is okay with me seeing you.”
“What do you mean?”
“He won’t let me see a man.”
“And you?”
“I’m not really comfortable seeing a woman.”
She paused, then added, “I hope you don’t mind, but you seem a bit of both—and also neither. It’s reassuring.”
She did ask, and yes, I am post-op.
“I’d like to learn from you,” she said. “Try it out. Play together.”
“I’d like that,” I replied.
And with that, we booked.
Since then, we explore—and we talk about what we explore. We talk about her body. About what she is seeking. About how pain and sensation intersect with her sense of self, and how impact, when chosen and contained, is deeply relaxing for her. Grounding. Alive.
I see her semi-regularly, whenever I’m in her city.
Intrigued?
You know what to do.
One of my first ever paying clients was a woman who reached out to me on a dating app. I had really never used dating apps up until that point, so the whole thing was novel.
My bio on the dating app, however, was 100% clear. I was not looking for friends or dates, but clients. She noted that she understood this, so we arranged to meet for coffee.
I have to say that I really like this. I am “old school” in the sense that I like to take the measure of someone before I commit to play with them. I used to do this as a client—ask them out for a meal at least once before playing. There are only two times that I broke that rule. Once with a companion, who after spending two hours in a bar with me, invited me to her room, and another, who just didn’t do any small talk.
I think she was a little bit nervous, so it was good to break the ice. She wore a backpack and spotted me instantly. That is a plus in being face out. Another plus by the way is that when a man comes up to me and says, “don’t I know you from somewhere,” I can say, “yes you do baby, and I know exactly where, you bad boy,” and then the recognition, “and now you do too,” followed by the embarrassment. Smart ones book on the spot. Silly boys slink away.
She told me about her.
“I’m married,” she said, “but I’m kinky, and my husband isn’t.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes, very much. He just won’t spank me, or do any kind of corporal punishment.”
“Is that what brought you to me?”
“Well, yes. Are you experienced.”
“Yes, I am my dear. I’ve been doing this for a long time. I should also share that I have been a sub, and sometimes switch in my personal life, and I have received my fair share of impact.”
“That’s good to know.”
“I won’t do something to somebody that hasn’t been done to me. And that means everything from bare hands, to hairbrushes, to belts, to floggers, to canes, to bull whips of many kinds, to many other instruments.” She was squirming in her chair at the thought.
“I like that.”
“Yes, I can see that.”
“You feel safe,” she said.
“Tell me more,” I said.
“I don’t know. Your energy. You feel very calm. Mothering.”
“Thank you.”
“Plus, my husband is okay with me seeing you.”
“What do you mean?”
“He won’t let me see a man.”
“Really?”
“And I’m not really comfortable seeing a woman.”
“Hmm.”
“I hope you don’t mind, but you seem a bit of both and also neither. It is kind of reassuring.” And yes, she did confirm that I am post-op.
[Dear readers. Yes, I am post op. Snip snip.]
“I’d like to learn from you. Try it out. Play together,” she said.
“I’d like that.”
And with that, we booked. And we explore and talk about what we explore. We talk about her body. We talk about what she’s looking for. We talk about how pain and sensation are caught up in her sense of self, and how this is very relaxing and releasing for her. That it makes her feel alive.
I see her semi-regularly, whenever I am in her city. In an interesting twist, he pays. He considers it an investment in marital bliss. He drops her off. It’s blissfully domestic. Apart from that, I have no contact with him.
If you are a woman seeking impact, safety, and clarity in your desire, you are welcome to enquire.
An Invitation
If you are here, something in you has already responded.
This is not casual booking, and it is not for everyone. I work with people who are curious, intelligent, and willing to take responsibility for what they want.
Those who wish to work with me do not request. They present themselves.
Begin here.
About Me
Mx Valentina is a feminist dominatrix, a trans and intersex woman, whose practice centres on ethical power exchange and the conditions under which lives reorganise themselves around purpose rather than shame. Her work is selective and relational, grounded in the belief that submission is not a role to be played but an orientation that must already be present. She works only with those who understand that access is conditional and authority is not negotiated. You can find my scholarly feminist writing on Substack and lighter pieces on Medium.
